Stage Fright

While I definitely appreciate the attention that some of my posts get, I kind of hate how it interrupts my flow when one particular post practically blows up. First, I’m caught off-guard by the fact that a certain post got ANY attention – especially when I never considered in the first place that it might be particularly popular. For instance, there’s What Happened to the Honey? which, since it was just a random rant and not anything I considered particularly special at the time that I wrote it, surprised me by getting more pageviews than any other post; it has apparently resonated with a lot of fed-up women of color.

After a post of mine gets passed around Facebook or linked to from blogs that I like and respect, I never know how to follow up. In fact, I usually don’t write anything for a couple of days, because I really don’t know whether I should attempt to write another strong post (but how do I do that when I’m not sure what it is that makes certain posts gain such traction while others languish, apparently not interesting to anyone but myself?) or just write what I would have written had that last post not gotten so much attention.

So far I’ve always elected to do the latter because it’s my blog and I don’t like feeling like I have to perform for anyone here. So even though Trans Women, Lactation, and Exclusion became my second most popular post just a couple days after I published it, I followed it up with a rather mundane entry about my hair and the geeky origin of my favorite tiny person’s name. Because – dammit! – it is my blog, and if I want to take a break from anti-oppression stuff to write about the X-Files, then I will godsdamn do just that.

What cracks me up actually, and prompted this post, is the fact that I was so pleasantly surprised to actually gain a blog follower after publishing the trans lactation post. It was my first, and I couldn’t help but think, “Yay! Someone likes me and is interested in my thoughts!” Because even though I like to think that I don’t care what people think, I apparently do to some extent (why else would I have a blog that is completely open to the public?). After the last two posts, however, that lone follower has disappeared. I have to admit that I am pretty tickled, and am wondering what they were thinking when my follow-up posts were somewhat less than what they had been expecting of me.

Despite the fact that I experience a sort of stage fright after writing a particularly popular post, I will still continue to write about any damn thing that I please, which will sometimes include things that are only of interest to myself. One of the things that killed my last blog was that I performed constantly; I censored myself heavily for the comfort and interest of my audience (mustn’t scare the white wimmins with my uppity negro anxieties!), which ultimately killed my own interest in writing for that blog at all.

I also dislike the thought of writing more than one blog (for instance, one which would have my anti-oppression musings and rants, while another would have my boring cooking and hair entries) because not only am I lazy, but I intended for this place to be a total and complete haven for me when I created it. It’s mine, and it’s not always going to be RAH RAH OPPRESSION because I am not always RAH RAH OPPRESSION.

And honestly? That’s good enough for me.



3 Responses to “Stage Fright”

  1. baj4life Says:

    Well, I subscribed to your blog on WP after the two most recent lactavist posts, and then WP stopped notifying me of your new posts for some reason. I don’t know if that makes me your missing follower. Either way, I love what you have to say, whether it’s “Rah Rah Anti-oppression” or “Woe be the hair.”

    • August Says:

      Thank you! Also, I’m positive that you’ve already had a comment approved here before, so I don’t know why WordPress put your comment in moderation. Weird.

    • August Says:

      Ah okay, looking back, it seems that I approved pingbacks from you (thank you for linking to me!), but this is the first comment. So that explains that, although it’s still weird that WP would unsubscribe you!

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